It just won’t die, the stream of movies about beings who just won’t die (gods, vampires, Kim Kardashian). Henry Cavill, good at looking conflicted in a codpiece for The Tudors, here plays lowly villager Theseus. He’s mortal yet buff thanks to training by a mysterious old man – in fact the shape-shifting Zeus (John Hurt/Luke Evans/’Beaky’ the Eagle), who’s otherwise hands-off in human affairs.
After King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) murders his mother, Theseus sets out for revenge. Hyperion heads a ruthless Heraklion army (don’t call them Cretans) who are slaughtering Hellenes (they’re all Greeks to me) and searching for the Epirus Bow, a weapon of immense power. Only scrumptious oracle Phaedra knows its location, but she’s soon giving Theseus some diviner intervention.
The story is messy and only tenuously related to Greek myth, and you won’t care about the characters. But the visuals are spectacular, especially the fight sequences of balletic dismemberment. 6/10
Released November 24, 2011.